People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.