I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂