[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
You Might Also Like
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…