Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
You Might Also Like
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Buying a well is money well spent.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.