ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
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My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
THIS HEADLINE
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind