If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.