My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.