To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.