I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…