Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
You Might Also Like
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
A ghost story
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
lol
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose