The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
😬
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back