Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Go girl power!
Chemical wingman
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.