Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM