[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
*mops up wine with cat*
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?