When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I am never leaving this website
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
That’s enough internet for the day
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.