I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.