If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
He wanted to make sure😂
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
they split up moments later
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.