Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
You Might Also Like
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*