Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Oh, I bet you would be
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????