Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.