Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
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Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
socratic questions
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.