I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
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TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Me as a therapist: omg same
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.