[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
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Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it