Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
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I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
they finally got him. they got macavity
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
#Caturday
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*