[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
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Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Easy enough.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice