This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
and this one
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess