It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us