It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Fries, not lies.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My beach vacation Google searches
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.