Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
You Might Also Like
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Follow me for more recipes
Just this preview of the story is enough
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Lmao
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.