Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.