The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
The three genders
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.