Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
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People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
If you know, you know 😂🚔
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Fight
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol