Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?