Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”