1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.