*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
wait.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*cough*
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
But I really needed water water water