Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
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my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Never ghost your hitman.
I just tested negative for patience.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color