I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
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Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.