I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..