“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them