some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Truth
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner