If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.