I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up