i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
You Might Also Like
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.