Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
You Might Also Like
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.