So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Girl, same.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.