If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.