I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.