Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
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Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.