Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.